Bad Business Ideas

Investment Opportunity: Crocodile Volunteers

What is the lifeblood of a nonprofit organization?

Its employees. Right. But that’s not what this is about. Pick another lifeblood.

Donations. That’s a good one. Still not the one we’re looking for.

Volunteers. Correct!

Those little rascals are the ones working in your warehouse, becoming your advocates in the community, and they just plain help. The lifeblood of the nonprofit world. Or one of the lifebloods.

With our patented solution, we can help get more of them. All we need is a small investment from a smart person like yourself.

Name: Crocodile Volunteers

Description: Have you ever been cornered by someone you don’t like all that much about doing something unpleasant? Going to a Mongolian throat singing concert, or camping. With the Crocodile Volunteers app, you’ll never have to suffer again.

No more lying! Simply pull up your phone, go to our app, and find a volunteer opportunity that’s happening at the same time.

Target Audience: Introverts, people with annoying family members.

Purpose: Helping the community while avoiding people and places you hate.

Positioning: It’s like declining a friend request on Facebook but without the anxiety of having to look them in the eye the next day.

Personality: “Sorry, I can’t go to have boba tea with you because you are gross and the bobas freak me out,” becomes, “Sorry I can’t go to have boba tea with you because I’m going to volunteer at the Second Harvest Food Bank of Central Florida.”

Promise: We’ve thought of your exit strategy so you don’t have to.

Strengths: No more hanging out with Carl from marketing. It feels like we’re doing something good.

Weaknesses: Revenue stream hasn’t been identified. Fake karma is not as good as real karma.

Opportunities: Partner with Venmo to expand to create excuses for friends and coworkers helping their kids raise money for their schools (“Sorry, I already gave to the Mennello Museum this year!”).

Threats: Carl from marketing eventually catching on. People using our excuses then not showing up to volunteer.

Industry Analysis: Nonprofits always need volunteers. That’s their third highest lifeblood!

Customer Analysis: Even the most easy-going and nicest people in the world have their kryptonite, and sometimes that kryptonite is a person. And that person makes them insane, so they will do anything to get away from them.

And that’s the most easy-going and nicest people! 99% of the world hates other people!

Competitive Advantages: It would be next to impossible to come up with a rapid, credible excuse yourself. And, while ethically gray, what are nonprofits going to do, say no to free help?

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