Dear Sir or Ma’am:
I would like to apply for a job with your company. I’ve contacted your Human Resources Department and, unfortunately, the opportunity I’m looking for isn’t open right now. I hope you’ll keep this letter and attached resume on file. If the position does open, I’m sure you’ll find me more than qualified.
Basically, what I’m looking to do is sit on top of a mountain somewhere and hand out pieces of unrealistic and pseudo‑inspirational advice to anyone who feels their life is in such disarray that only someone on top of a mountain can solve all their problems in ten words or less.
Guru, hermit, wise man, your HR Department wasn’t really sure what the exact job title is.
My qualifications are many. First, I’m comfortable being by myself for long periods of time. Sometimes, even in a room of people, I’m completely alone. I think, if I were to look for an explanation for this characteristic, I would chalk it up to my childhood.
Inconsistent messages from my parents, the natural cruelty of other children, and the inept nature of my teachers drove me to look inward for most of my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical learning. My growing up, if you will. Yes, some of my therapists say this has pushed me into an isolated mental state, with an almost psychopathic lack of mercy for my fellow man, but I think it just makes me more independent.
Second, I’ve been told that horribly overused cliches seem genuine coming from me. I can sell phrases like there are plenty of fish in the sea, it’s never too late to have a happy childhood, time heals all things, and the grass is always greener on the other side.
My cliche knowledge isn’t limited to English. I’m also versed in the “wise” sayings of Latin:
- A cane non magno saepe tenetur aper (A boar is often held by a not large dog)
- Cedant arma togae (Let the arms yield to the toga)
- Fervet olla, vivit amicitia (As long as the pot boils, friendship is alive)
Because this language is quite dead, no one knows what any of these proverbs mean with any accuracy. This gives me poetic license to apply them to any given situation, from heartbreak to bankruptcy, which are pretty closely related to begin with.
Finally, the strongest reason I’m capable and qualified for this position is I hate and disrespect everyone. Obviously, this makes me less than able to function as a “team player.” Team player being defined as someone who toils away at a thankless job for an insanely low amount of money, doing most or all of the work, while an under qualified and mentally challenged middle manager takes all the credit.
No, I would be more of an asset to your company on top of some mountain.
And since I respect no one, I can dole out advice from a neutral position, free from such worldly constraints as compassion and basic human decency. My wisdom would be honest and up front, inspiring people to seize the day (Carpe diem!), at least until their favorite show comes on.
I would like to say one thing about my resume. The lack of time I spend at some jobs, sometimes as short as two hours, is a reflection of an extraordinary and boundless kind of gypsy intellect that can’t, and for that matter shouldn’t, be put into any single job for any length of time. It certainly isn’t a reflection of any natural streak of violence or inability to honor long-term commitments as my parole officer might say.
In conclusion, I am the most qualified candidate ever for the position described above. But, since my rent is due in a few weeks, I would be willing to take another job with your company until the next mountain opens up. Anything that allows me to maintain my Etsy store of bug-related accessories (accessories for pet bugs, not accessories made out of bugs) while not having any contact with my co‑workers would be fine.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon. Please also consider removing the blocks on my email and phone.