Magic. Grapes.

I’m walking through the supermarket. My first mistake, right? I get to the produce section, and I see them, sitting there, nonchalantly. Like there’s nothing wrong. And there isn’t, until I really stop to think about it on the drive home. Seedless grapes. SEEDLESS grapes. Pretty banal, right? They’re there all time, I’ve been eating them all my life. Why point them out now?

Driving home, the windows down, wind blowing through my beard. The air conditioning blasting. No reason, just because I can. And this seedless grape thing is ripping me up inside.

I mean, the only purpose behind grapes, and most fruit for that matter, is to beget more fruit. The sole purpose of a grape is for it to be eaten by some animal so the seeds can be spread and new plants can grow and the magical cycle that is life can begin again.

So seedless grapes. I mean, seedless grapes. That’s fantastic. No more spitting for us. No more accidentally chewing foul tasting pits. But, and I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to get to the point, how do you get something to just go against it’s sole purpose in life?

This is about basketball. I use grapes to get to basketball. It’s kind of what I do.

Actually, I take that back, I’m not sorry.

I know, I know, active crossbreeding and advanced gene splicing techniques and all that good stuff are responsible. Hail the mighty cornucopia of knowledge that is modern science. Without it, we’d have grapes with seeds and rice in more than a minute.

So, if we can make grapes go against their prime directive, why can’t we do the same with people I yell at on the TV? Why can’t we make Orlando Magic GM Rob Hennigan go against his natural urge to not be a good general manager?

The second game of the season isn’t even over yet, and I’m panicking. What is this team? Is it real? Are they familiar with basketball at all? There is no way to relax with this guy around.

What do we need to splice him with? Just tell me, I will do my best to make it happen.

We have the technology. We can rebuild these people. Good Lord, we can change grapes, Hennigan can’t be much more complicated.

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